$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
