Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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