i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
