Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
