flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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