You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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