he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
