Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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