life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
