i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
