yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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