I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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