We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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