are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
