I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
