I smell stomach acid.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
