Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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