Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
