Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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