we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
