For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
