You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
