Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
