Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
