You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
