forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
