??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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