If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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