Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
