The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
