Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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