Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
