When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
