I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
My feet surprised me
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
