nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Who died my cat blue again?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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