I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
When did angry sex become our thing?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
