This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
