i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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