That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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