Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
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