What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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