i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
What drink are we having for lunch?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
