do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
