A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Randomize
