i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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