Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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