that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
