Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
