I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
