How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
