i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
