i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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