Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
