At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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