I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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