Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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