Whod you bang
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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