you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Randomize
