Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
