I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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