do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
